Nachgedacht

Das Folgende ist genau so geschrieben wie ich es gedacht habe. Ich hab es absichtlich nicht editiert. Normalerweise mach ich das, aber diesmal wollte ich es absichtlich so lassen wie es in mir entstanden ist. Ich hoffe, dass mein Gedankengang so besser verstanden werden kann (und oh mein Gott, es ist so, so schwer nix zu verändern und es so stehen zu lassen, wie ich es aus meinem Kopf raus auf den Bildschirm gezerrt hab oder besser:wie es rausgepurzelt ist!). Enjoy!

The following is exactly as I have thought it, without any editing. I do this on purpose this time, because I hope, that this way the path my thoughts take can be better understood (and ohmygod – it is so hard to let things stand as I hastily scribbled them, when I dragged them out of my head and onto the screen and to change nothing!). Enjoy!

False gods

How do we know how fear feels like? Does fear feel different to different people? How would we know?

How do we learn what fear is and feels like? We don‘t. Instead someone TELLS us, that in certain situations we should feel fear. If you cry as a child your mother or someone else will say: Do not be afraid. Or ask: Are you afraid? And from this we learn three things: that what we should feel in certain situations is fear. That the feeling we feel is obviously called fear. And that we get attention and empathy when we feel fear.

Why do we never question these things? Why don‘t we talk about it? Why the silence? Should a child not ask: How does fear feel like? How does love look and feel like? But we don‘t. Children don‘t do it, because they mirror the grown ups. And we get taught real early, that we do not talk about emotions. We don‘t talk about private, intimate stuff. We don‘t wonder and learn about the world around us, instead we learn to show no wonder, no curiosity about it.

So how do I know how fear feels like and that your fear feels like mine? Well, there is the baseline of our shared physical reactions and bodies. Fear does a few things, that will be the same for everybody: blood pressure rises. Stress hormones get released. Lungs work harder. These symptoms we also recognize in others. But still – how do we know it is fear? Why is it not just „a heightened state of the body in front of certain situations“?

And here the answer is:we fear fear, because we are told to do so. Our mother says: do not be afraid, it will be over soon, when a loud noise frightens us as a child. They assure us: you don‘t have to be afraid, I am here and will protect you.

What we actually learn from that is: loud noise should frighten us. Anything, that disturbs the „normal“ should frighten us. We need protection from fear. Which of course creates immediately a new fear. The fear of abandonment and of fear.

How come we never think or talk about these things? Why do parents not talk about this? Why don‘t they sit down and think: which feelings should we instill in our children? How do we teach them to feel? How can I behave around them and what consequences will my actions have? Will I teach them to be fearful of loss, because it is unknown and disturbs the normal or will I teach them to be happy about loss, because it means change, freedom and possibilities?

Why are we so careless, so NUMB? It is not even, that we don‘t do it – we don‘t even think or talk about these things. But unlike animals, we COULD. So why do we still behave like animals? Why don‘t we use our evolutional advantage to be better, but instead fear it and caution against it and do our best to ignore it?

With advantage and ability comes responsibility and might. Power. If I acknowledge, the things I wrote about above, I also have to acknowledge the power my every move and behavior has over my self and that of others. Which means, that I have to grow up and either take that responsibility or accept, that I don‘t take it. The only way how I am able to not care is, if I don‘t acknowledge my ability and power in the first place.

So what we do is just one thing: abandonment. We abandon our selves through not accepting our abilities and responsibility. And only when we stop that, will we be able to evolve further.

The young people know some of this instinctually. They try to voice it and live it. And encounter the opposition of those, who made the other call. And the backlash. They then become exhausted and desperate, because they know, that something fundamentally is wrong with us, with our world. It is nothing, that can be tweaked here or there. It is fundamental.

And that is the conflict playing out.

The danger is:the longer we don‘t acknowledge this, the more those young people will turn dark. Good will turn bad. Because that is what happens without truth, light, nurture. You feel hurt and in turn hurt others. Twice as bad. It is a spiral, because the hurt one then has to hit back 4 times as hard. That is why everything bad always gets worse, radicalized.

Because: bad things beget worse things. But: Good things beget good things.

And that is the difference. Why do good things don‘t beget better things? They do. But on a different way. The „better“ part is not only in the result of the action itself, but also in one part of the action. Because: Being good is a CHOICE. And if you chose something, it is already a good result.

But: Being bad is the opposite. No choice, but abandonment

And that is why good things beget good things, but bad things worse things. The math is like this:

Good things (2) beget good things (=1),because it is a choice (+1)

Bad things (-1) beget worse things(=-2), because it is no choice (+-1)

Obviously, I am not good in mathematics! But I know what I talk about when it is about humans, emotions and psychology. Maybe someone else can translate it better into mathematics. What I means is:

The active, constructive choice is in itself also a result of the good thing, thus the real result, the net result of the good thing is a choice AND good things.

But the destructive, passive NO choice is no result of the bad things, it is instead an own ACTION, therefore these TWO negative actions combine themselves to „worse“.

That is why it SEEMS as if good things only begets good things, but bad things beget worse things. And so it LOOKS as if bad is more powerful than good. But that is not true, as I have shown. It is just, that we don‘t look close enough and define things not well enough. And why is that possible? Because we don’t think, understand and talk about this stuff. That is why the bad can deceive us into not seeing such things.

And here we come back to my beginning: the fact, that we don‘t think and talk about things, that we live our lives careless and blind, because we think it gives us greater „freedom“, if we pretend, that we are omnipotent and that nothing really counts, because WE decide what counts and what not, which is in itself one of those narratives, with which the bad deceives us.

It whispers in our ears: you are a god. Your mind is free and you don‘t have to care. Be who and what you want to be. But what this truly means is abandonment. We abandon our selves. Our duties to ourselves. Our children. Our planet. The plants and animals and everything. We decided to not care. Because: if nothing we do is really consequential, we never have to accept consequences.

But: as Janet Joplin already told us: Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. And the consequences of this abandonment we see everywhere: we abandon the planet, the people, ourselves.

But: Another way is possible. Always. It is always there for you to grasp. At any given moment. Abandonment is a decision. And just as you decide to abandon, you can also decide to not abandon.

Neither path is easy. That is just a lie the bad tells you. The bad path only leads to destruction, as can be seen all around us. The bad path means, that you offload your pain and destruction to the next powerless. Always the ones, who are smaller than you have to carry you.

But I won‘t tell you, that the good way is always sunny, smily and full of satisfaction. It isn‘t. Sometimes it is a barren, barren road. Lonely. It frightens you. The work is so vast. And you are just one person. And it would be easier, if…

And that, that right there is the difference.

With the bad, you follow this if. Why? Because you have nothing to lose. There is nothing tangible. Only you and your immediate desire.

But with the good you won‘t follow the if. You just won‘t. Because you FEEL it. You feel, that you indeed HAVE something to lose. Not just for yourself. But for everything and everyone else. With the bad you have to follow the if to feel anything at all. With the good you already can feel everything. You don‘t need the if. You already are. Connected to everything.

And there it is: You count.

This is it: My. existence. counts. Even, if nobody else than myself will ever know about it, I did indeed make a difference. For everything and everyone. I am part of this giant, long chain of people, animals, beings, planets, stars, who did their best. And oh god, that feels so, so good.

I count. And so I have something to lose.

I so wish, that everybody could feel how this feels. The thing is: everybody CAN feel this. It is there, for you to grab it.

You just have to take it.