Nachgedacht

When I tell people, that I am not interested in other people, don‘t need or want them, they always nod as if they can understand what I mean. They look at me with sympathy (and conveniently forget, that they are, too…people)

When I then tell them, that -consequently- I sometimes go a whole week or longer without talking to anyone, they are HORRIFIED. Can not understand that. AT ALL. Look at me as if I am a strange insect.

I think: The fuck did I just say? Did you even listen?

When I tell people, that the whole system is wrong, they nod with a slight smile. But „the system“, I continue, is nothing other than we, the people. That we have it in our own hands and as long as we shy away from the difficult feelings, ideas and decisions, things will only get worse and worse. They call that „so true“ and the precocious ones call me „wise“.

When I tell them, that the lessons and consequences from that and our past means, that we have to understand, that every single one of our actions or inactions shape our world. That we have to be conscious about our thinking, feeling and behavior. That there can be no more muddling on and „doing what I want“. That we can no longer value things over people, which could for example mean: no person can be allowed to own more than, say, 5 millions. That nobody should be allowed to own living space, instead living space should belong to all of us and should be allocated to everyone according to need. That people, who damage others through, oh say, flying, buying online, driving a car, bullying, creating waste, should pay a price for that damage, that choice.

Then they look at me aghast and a great, profound silence sets in. Not even a silence. A STILLNESS. As if they are caught by something so hideous, so vicious, that they just freeze. They can not even find anything to say to something, that sounds so crazy. So alien is the idea to them, that someone might actually be held responsible for their actions! That decisions should have consequences!

They see and even KNOW, that the way we do things is wrong and damaging. But do something? Do you mean, in actual, practical ways? Do you mean, that I, that we, should … change? Whoa, that‘s a bit radical, ain‘t it?

And anyway, why should WE change anything, if others do not?!? They say. I think: ok, so you basically say: „I will never clean my room, because there are other people on this planet, who never clean their rooms! So!“ Well…I guess that is one attitude and argument one can have. I think.

They find it „great“ and „cute“, that I am so „different“. But when they come up against the actual, practical consequences of that „different“, this changes. Very, very fast.

Then the word they go for is not „cute“. It is „annoying“. Or weird („what do you mean you don‘t use „WhatsApp? I thought you only meant it theoretical, general, when you talked about the dangers of the internet!“).

This behavior, in a nutshell, shows why we probably will all perish in a few short years. The problem are not our problems. The problem are we.

The thing is:

How could it be any different, if we fail at the most basic thing: Being a human being?

As I said, I am not that into people. If I would be in a relationship, that does not fulfill me, if I would have 2-3 people with whom I would meet and talk twice a week, while I feel empty inside, I would be seen as normal. As successful, fulfilled and having a desirable life.

But the reality would be, that I would be miserable.

I would be with someone, sleep, eat, have sex and live with someone, who has no idea about me at all. For years. Who could be a virtual stranger, who just happens to live beside me.

Been there.

I would meet with people to talk about things I really do not care about, holding my self always behind a polite wall, because I know, that saying what I truly think and feel would frighten them out of their mind, because neither do they share my passion, nor do they think about the same things as I do, nor do they want to.

Done that.

All the while being with these people would sap away my energy and strength and happiness and when I go home from a night out, I would want to simultaneously hit my head against a wall, because it was all so meaningless and petty and cry inside, because I do not understand, why I simply can‘t be like everybody else. It is so much worse to not have what you ideally would want, instead having to make do with something, that gives you nothing and takes everything, than to simply not have what you ideally would want.

Been there, done that.

The truth is:

My life is so much more fulfilled, so much happier and more successful, since I stopped doing things, that go against my nature, that cluttered and damaged my thoughts and feelings with emptiness, cheapening and lessening them and me along the way.

But from the outside the judgment is, that this can not be true. That it must be really the opposite: „alone“ is to the people the same as „lonely“. And „lonely“ is to them the same as „weird“ and „unwanted“. „They must be terrible, when nobody wants to be their friends or partner!“ they think.

To the outside world „alone“ is being unwanted and a failure.

The reality is:

The only real problem for me is the judgment from the world. It is so hurtful. So bruising. One has to constantly provide „reasons“ and proof, that one is not a failure, that this is quite by choice, that if I would want it any other way, I would do it another way. But it doesn’t matter what I say, really. I am never believed anyway.

It gets so bad, that, even if I once in a while want companionship, I am by now so marred by this judgment, that everything gets screwed up and weird and I don’t dare it anymore, because I fear the judgment. I feel like I have a sign carved on my forehead for everyone to see: Failure. Weirdo. Lonely.

Although alone is something different than lonely, they lump these two together. I feel I have to explain and plead my case just to be seen as „normal“. That I preemptively have to prove it, to even be granted entrance to the possibility, that I could be seen – and not only the judgment on my forehead.

And the answer can not be: „don‘t feel this way“. If I could, I would. I am, we all are, social beings. We can not uncouple from caring how we are seen and perceived and judged. That reflection back is a central pillar of our self identity, of how our brain and being works. And quite frankly, it also shouldn‘t be my burden alone. Or at all. It isn‘t me, who is doing this judging, so why should I alone do the work to deal with the judgment???

And there really is no chance to stop it. The judging goes on, even, if I say: I am happy this way. Even, if I say: It is my choice this way. The people claim, that they only judge, because they „want my best“. They want me to be happy. But even, if I tell them: this makes me happy, they do not stop the judging.

To the people what I say and feel does not count. Because in truth their judging isn’t about me. It is about them. About them not having to do actual emotional, social work, not having to deal with things. And because of this, we all pay the price, because they fuck up themselves and our world with this judging.

The stark truth is: They rather would see me unhappy, but acting how they expect people to act, than me being actually happy, but acting differently to their expectations. The people therefore simply override my real reality with their judgment. They say: „You might „think“ you are happy, but you „can not really be happy“. Something „must“ be wrong. No matter what you say!“

And woosh, I get the stamp „judged“ on my face and am dealt with. On to the next one.

Of course, the absolute ideal would be, that I find people, whose company give me energy and joy instead of sapping it. If I would find a man, who sees me and who interests me, instead of one of these two points always missing. But I live now for quite a while on this planet and know, that these things are very rare for me. Maybe I won‘t find them ever. And that is ok.

That does not mean I give up on them. But it means, that I try to find happiness outside the ideal – like almost everyone. And for me this means: not substituting the real thing with something, that is bad for me, just because it satisfies the world. Can‘t this be accepted, respected and not be held against me?

What we would need is to let people and things be. We do not need to have „an opinion“ and judgment on everything and everyone. Quite frankly, we should most of the time just shut up. Because we are not everything and everyone and know so little. To have a real, solid opinion on everything, we would have to know everything. To have an opinion on me for example, you would need to be me and know everything about me. Only then could you say, that you know better than I myself, if I am really happy or only „think, that I am happy“, because I do not „know it better“.

Just let things and people be. I know this is hard. It is much easier to judge. Because it is the easy way for our brain. Because the moment we judge something or someone, we can put the situation and person into the „sorted out“-box in our brain, never to bother us again. We also can indulge in the fantasy, that the world is as we know it, that everything is fine, working and safe. When we instead let things be, they stay in our mind present, unjudged and uncleared in our „in-tray“. That feels not good to us. It makes the world feel unsafe for us.

But we must make this effort. For our own good and that of our fellow humans. Not only, because it is the right thing to do. Also, because without it there is no chance, that we ever get out of the mess we have created.

The best place to start is always with us ourselves. And, if everybody would do that, we could change this thing in a second. So the next time you realise, that you are passing judgment or opinion on someone, just try it, will you?

Say instead: „You know what? I‘ll just let it be.“