Nachgedacht

Do you also sometimes feel as if everybody is afforded space, largess and care except you? Do you find yourself thinking: well, they find that person‘s „individuality“ so charming and engaging, that one‘s „messiness“ life-affirming and whatnot-but my own individuality is always only in the way and unwanted. Knotty and ugly and too demanding.

Do you think: How come, that people can make room for others, but never for me? I do not want to be treated special-just the same. Measured with the same rule. How come you can let others exist as they are and accommodate their otherness-but never mine?

I guess it is something about my individuality, my autonomy, that upsets them. They can smell (even through a screen), that I, in the very end, if it comes down to the line, do not need their validation.

But that does not mean, that I do not want it.

They can sniff out, that I, in the very end, will not budge: I won’t say something is right, if it is not. I won’t change, if I do see no reason for it. That I function differently than other people in the „dependance“-area. But: even, if I am independent, that does not mean, that I don‘t need affection, care or love.

But there is something, an element, in the interpersonal societal rules we have created, that means, that only those are seen as safe over which you have some kind of hold. So people can be generous to someone-as long as they know that person ultimately needs them. But if you don‘t, if you are self-sufficient, people get ice-cold. All bets are off and you are not seen as normal human „material“. Yes, they might agree with you-but they will never make the extra step for you, never make room for you.

That is fucked up.

It is lived, transactional materialism: only, if I have use for you, if I can control you, because I have a possible hold over you, will I afford you any human grace.

Where is the humanism in that?

And in the end these people live a self-perpetuing damaging scenario:they make the world one of „only, if I can use you, I let you in“ and with that of course also only attract people, who are like that. This makes them then feel even surer, that the world „just is like that“ and so they double down on it. And after a few generations this fully is what the world has become.

And all the while they miss out on those, who are different. Those, who want nothing and take nothing but genuine human interactions. Because when you have a hold over someone-how honest is the relationship really? How real and pure is it, if you in truth depend on each other? But people like me, who don‘t need others-when and what we give comes without any motives below the surface. It is exactly that which it is on the face of it.

So the irony is: the people do all that, to feel safe. They have the inner narrative, that the fact, that other people depend on them, that they have the same needs, means, that this gives them security.

To put it just as honestly and open as I wrote all the above, their inner calculous goes like this: if someone needs me for their social needs, they are less free to do something, that I do not want or to leave me. So when I need someone to stand by me or when I for example need someone to support a lie I tell, they will be dependent on me and therefore I have more of a hold over them to do that. In short: they think these people will give up their ethical beliefs or own needs easier to not lose the provider of their social needs.

While they look at me and they know that will never fly. I won‘t lie for anyone. I will not say something is right, that I do not think is right. And if my friend does something wrong, I will not say it is tight or it does not matter, just because it is my friend.

But where their calculations are totally wrong is this:

Security and safety comes not from control. Dependency brings not safety, but breakdown and abuse. If someone stands by you, because you have a hold over them – they do not stand by you at all. While, when I am on someone’s side by my free decision-I stay there. Yes I will say: what you did is fucking wrong, man, you really fucked up and we have to make it right-but I will not leave you alone with it, will support you and stick right by your side.

But to them the demand of accountability, that comes with people like me, feels unsafe. They would have to TRUST to live that. But they were taught, that trust is dangerous and control is safe. And so they rather go with control instead of trust and push away and discount exactly those people, who have no hidden motives. Who are just what they say they are.

Well. All that sucks. And it hurts. And it is not right. And it is horrible for the development of the human race, because it is a sort of bastardisation of humanity.

But it is what it is.

Maybe one day it will change, but right now it is what it is. So I want to say to anyone, who experiences what I describe here and feels, that everybody else is seen and afforded their humanity, but never them: you are not alone. And it is no fault of yours. You just are as you are. But the thing is: they also just are as they are. They were taught this way and they do not think about stuff like that.

So the only way forward is to stay your course. To educate people on it, to speak up on it- and to never give up hope. And most importantly: to never give up your own humanity. Work hard to stay human and soft and open and YOU inspite of the hurt and the snubs. Because being purely reactive („they hurt me, so I think they suck or hurt them back“) is just dumb. That someone did something wrong first makes it not less wrong. So you doing something wrong, just because someone else did it first- come on, we don‘t fall for that, do we?

People like us sit at the intersection of so many wrong beliefs, like: happiness is the ultimate goal (yeah, how come, that it is pain and fear, that really drives us on and makes us reach our goals and not happiness? How come my trauma made me grow and not my happiness?). Or: things and people have to make me feel „good“ to be of any value (yeah, how come that you often gain the most insight, have the most fun with people, who are spiky or challenging or you do not necessarily trust? Experiences come in all kinds if flavors and if we only ever taste one, we lose out on all the rest) – and countless others. And so people fall for the things, that feel „good“, that come without any needed work or challenge. Simply because they are groomed to be like this: To consume instead of experiencing.

And one thing people like us are not, is: undemanding. That is simply not in our repertoire. And as we live in a time where convenience is god, we are not exactly en vogue right now. But that does not mean we are less interesting, fantastic, great, loving, funny, hilarious, challenging, creative, caring-you name, we are it.

And although you might know all that and although you usually can tell all this to your self and keep your spirit up this way-at times, especially when you just got bruised, it is a demanding job even for you to to seemingly be the only one, who wants to see your self. It is then, when you need, no, not validation, but just a little bit of genuine sympathy and care. Just someone, who acknowledges your existence, your legitimacy as a human being.

I know I do.

This is why I wrote this. To acknowledge, that you exist. And that it is good that you are as you are. And that you do not have to change, if you do not want to. You have the right to be like you are.

So I just want to say: I so much see you. I only have to close my eyes and I see all of you. Like a giant ocean of people. I know you exist and each of you has a unique story to tell. And that lifts me up.

I so much see you.